January 27, 2022

The True Story…An unwanted child…

I was a child of many, but my reality was … I wasn’t wanted by any. I grew up in several families, within my one and only family, passed around and discarded without malice, but still the harm would be done. I will explain the love that was given to me , was it real or just out necessity?

A story of a child born out-of-wedlock and given away in a stance to save a failing marriage. I was bartered for the love of another child, my brother. I will grow up throughout my entire childhood thinking… I was a  “necessary evil”. The premature death of a woman who raised me and for all practical purposes was my mother shed incredible light on her death-bed… The truth, and it was what I had suspected all along. I felt exonerated to know the true. The truth meant… I wasn’t this crazy little insecure kid that had created this notion that I was a” necessary evil!” I am alive today because I was strong enough to realize then … I didn’t ask for or deserve the life that I was given. I made the best of  it, and  only God’s true grace got me through. I am more  than a survivor, I am living my best life!

I was a very young 22-year-old man , when my mother died…It was one of the most devastating events of my life to date. It meant the end of an era, and life coming full circle. I would ponder my adult existence from this point on. My life would be mine to live! But I must first tried to put the pieces of the puzzle of my childhood together. I would give reasons , excuses, and most of all forgiveness for the past!  At 22 years, I was wise for my age, a state of being that existed for me even at the age of 4. You see, I had no choice but to gain wisdom as a child. I was processing the love of  my family, a family that made many selfish decisions that always kept me unsettled in my place in this family and even in this world! I was just a child, but as a child, I was very in tune with everybody actions, almost to the point of  my own detriment. I always knew from an early age that I was different, maybe what some would call an” old soul”, but my family would term it as being “odd”. I would laugh and play as any normal child, but I would also hear and see the actions of the adults around me. As my mother said on many occasion  “you have the ears of an elephant,” and with no explanation I might add. I always thought she was implying that I looked funny.  It wasn’t until years later that I would grow to understand the meaning of what she was saying. I was dealing with family problems that weren’t any of my concern for a child of my age.

I think my family loved me about as well as they understood me. I don’t fault them for this as… I did not fall into their normalcy…  Stephen Spurling

 

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